Living Through Grief, Heavy Heart, and Poor Mental Health -

I took this selfie on November 27, 2023. This was the day we put our dog to sleep. This beach was her favorite place on Earth, so it just felt fitting to take a walk on this day. Despite beginning to feel a lot of grief and poor mental health, I couldn’t help but think about the wonderful life Lolly had and all the unconditional love she gave to us.

Grief can look like the first picture, or this one. Christmas Day was really good, but also really hard. After spending the evening with my cousins and their sweet dogs, I got hit with a wave of grief of missing our dog. I missed her snuggles and kisses. But I also seemed to miss her even more after spending time with our cousins dogs.

I completed a 10 week accounting internship in Boston during the spring semester. Even with all the grief and loss I was facing, I was working 55-60 hour weeks and still had to show up to do my job. It was tough, but I got through it and worked through the pain and heartache!

I love animals! They bring me such joy! Even with a very heavy heart and poor mental health, I’m still trying to find some joy in my everyday life, even if that’s a bunny eating our plants. Little pieces of joy each day, add up to something much bigger!

Taking it Easy for Summer

I have been really quiet on here and social media these last few months. I have been trying to work through a lot of grief and poor mental health. It has been anything but easy. Back in May, I decided to have a really quiet summer. This has allowed me to prioritize my mental health iso I can tackle senior year!

I am someone who does better when I am busy and have a little bit of structure to my days. It has taken me several weeks to get into a routine that works well for me! By finding this solid schedule, I am able to really focus on myself and get into a better headspace. I finally feel like I am beginning to see a small light at the end of what has felt like a very dark tunnel!

The Hardest Day of My Life

Dealing with grief and poor mental health can feel incredibly lonely. If that is currently you, I just want you to know that you are not alone. I am right there with you. I have dealt with more grief and loss in the last 8 months than I have in the last 22 years. It has been a very long journey of trying to find myself again.

Eight months ago we put our family dog to sleep. This was one of the hardest days of my life. For the longest time, I felt like a part of my identity died with her. I never felt like I would experience true joy, happiness, or love again. And there are many days where I still feel this way. But each day it gets a little bit easier.

Lolly was the one constant in my life since I was seven years old. I had an incredibly hard high school experience. I have never felt so lonely or isolated in my life. It was one of the darkest times in my life and I felt like it would never end. But through all the good times and bad, Lolly was with me through it all.

Nothing has brought me as much joy as Lolly did. I have been scared that nothing will ever come close to bringing me that joy again. I have struggled with debilitating anxiety, but I could always count on Lolly to help me get through it. She loved us unconditionally. I miss her every single day. It’s been a long journey of trying to find my identity without Lolly. I know that even though Lolly is no longer with us physically, she is always looking out for us and guiding us in the right direction.

10 Weeks Later

Just when I thought life couldn’t get any worse… we received very tragic news. Someone I went to high school with committed suicide on February 6. While we weren’t very close friends, I still had classes with her, her twin sister, and her brother. When we moved from Connecticut to Massachusetts seven years ago, this was the first family we met in town.

I am still trying to wrap my head around this tragedy. I cannot begin to imagine the deep loss this family has been feeling for these last 6 months. This unique, kind, quirky, funny person was one-of-a-kind.

I haven’t talked much about this, but I really struggled all throughout high school. I never felt like I fit in and I never found a real group of friends. It was a very lonely and dark time in my life. However, even if I was having a hard day filled with intense anxiety, I could always count on this one person to put a smile on my face. She helped me to feel valued and seen. While we both had hard days, she also was filled with a special kind of light and happiness.

While heaven gained a beautiful old soul that day, the present world feels a little more dark without her in it. Not a day goes by where I don’t think of her. I believe the world needs more people like her; people who are kind, funny, unique, and who are not afraid to show their true spirit or style.

Surviving the Rest of the Year

Life has felt very hard and dreary these last few months. There have been days where I have not wanted to get out of bed. Some days have been better than others, but I still don’t know how I will ever learn to live in a world without these two special souls. Grief is not a smooth or quick journey. It has been over 6 months of feeling a very heaviness in my heart. Some days are better than others, but I still don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. But it has brought me comfort to believe that they are watching out for me and cheering me on from afar.

School Work Came Second

These last eight months I have been consumed by grief and poor mental health. In the thick of it, however, it felt like I was never going to make it to summer break. I struggled to get out of bed and I had a really hard time with completing assignments, especially for my thesis. I am not one to submit assignments late, but I ended up submitting about 90% of my thesis assignments late. But I worked with my professor and still ended the class with a 95%.

I have never submitted assignments late, but I was also really struggling to just make it through each day. I knew I had to focus on my mental health, and that the assignments would get done. I was really glad to make it summer break. Thankfully I had a few weeks where I didn’t have anything on the calendar. It was a really nice change of pace to just allow myself to do whatever I wanted.

Focusing on Myself

I’ll do another post on this at some point, but after the really long school year I had, I decided to take a breather with work and not return to my position as a bank teller. I didn’t entirely know what I was going to do, but I also knew I needed to have a job with reduced hours, even if it meant not working at all.

But I’m happy to say I have found a job that I love! It involves working 20 hours a week from home. I believe everything happens for a reason. So I believe that this job was meant to be! It’s still work, but I have a lot more time to rest, recharge, and work on improving my mental health before the start of senior year!

But don’t get me wrong, I still have many hard days where I don’t want to do anything and life just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. I have come to realize that grief comes in waves. While dealing with a ton of grief and poor mental health, even the smallest actions could make a difference. There are a couple of things that have made a huge difference for me on this journey to rediscovering myself after a lot of loss.

5 Ways I’m Pushing Through Grief to Improve My Mental Health

Therapy – After a lot of thought, I decided to begin seeing a therapist on a weekly basis. This was the best decision I could have made for myself because I now have a greater understanding of the impact my past is having on my present, and tools to help me live as the best version of myself!
Set schedule – I have been sticking to a set schedule by waking and going to bed at the same time, and working at the same time. This has really helped my depression by forcing myself to get out of bed and get something done.
Journal – This has really helped me to put all my thoughts down on paper. I just write and let it all out. By getting these thoughts down on paper, it takes them out of my head and frees up space to think about more important things.
Exercise – I have never been one to consistently exercise or move my body, so this has taken some work to make this a habit. Each evening I try and set aside a minimum of ten minutes to move my body in some way. For me, that has meant a lot of yoga. After moving my body for even a few minutes, I feel so much better afterwards, both mentally and physically!
Be open and vulnerable – This is something that has never come easily to me. For most of my life, I have been very quiet and closed off, and don’t tend to share a lot of details about my personal life. I am working to be more open and vulnerable about who I am and some of my struggles. Keeping things bottled up inside my head doesn’t do anyone any good. Being open can be so freeing!

Takeaway: Working Through Grief and Poor Mental Health

The road through grief and poor mental health is a long, and often-times, lonely one. But know that you are not alone. These last eight months have been some of the hardest of my life. Even though it feels like life may never be filled with joy or happiness, the days will get better and the clouds will begin to clear.

Two things that I have been telling myself for these last several months is to just put one foot in front of the other, and I keep asking myself what my next best action is. Life is not going to get automatically better tomorrow, next week, or next month, however, by taking small steps in the direction that you want to go, will lead to brighter days ahead.

So my question to you is, what is your next best action that will help you to live the life you want?

I would love for you to come find me on Instagram! I’ve not been very active on there in the last few months as I’ve been dealing with my own grief journey. But I’m hoping to hop on for a few minutes every day and share some other ways that I’m working through my own grief journey. Either over on Instagram, or here in the comments, I would love for you to share with me some of your ways that you either take care of your mental health or how you have taken steps to overcoming grief.

Until next week, friend!