For as long as I can remember, I have always had these pretty vivid thoughts in my mind about how certain events are going to go, such as switching to a new high school, starting college, interacting with people at social engagements, etc. However, a lot of the time, these events end up going very differently. Can anyone else relate to this? I think this is because of my NLD and being so nervous and shy to talk to people.
As much as I wish I could say that my college experience has been a terrific one, sadly that is not the case. Before starting college, I had this whole idea in my head about how it was going to go; I was going to make a few friends, join several extracurricular activities, raise my hand in class, among other things. Essentially, I had created a vision of who I wanted to be, rather than the person I am. I was trying to change myself.
Rough First Year of College
Sadly, my freshman year was a lot harder than I had expected it to be, especially socially. A year later, and I still did not make one solid friend. There are a few people who I recognize as acquaintances and who have the potential to become real friends but no one who I feel like I could talk to about anything on a deeper level. I constantly feel afraid to speak and always feel like I have my guard up 24/7. I think it’s in part because of my fear of failure and fear of rejection.
However, as hard as my freshman year was, I did push myself and I did grow. For starters, I joined DECA, which is essentially a business simulation club on campus. Through that club I participated in several events. I went to Boston to volunteer and help set up the Making Strides Walk, I participated in the clubs and organizations game night, and I helped out at the clubs and organizations trick or treating.
I also participated in DECA’s competitions where I competed with a partner in the category of Business Ethics. There were a total of two competitions and then we attended ICDC (the international competition), which took place in Baltimore.
Going to Baltimore was way out of my comfort zone and it really pushed me. However, in the end, I wound up having a pretty good time. While in Baltimore we attended a Baltimore Orioles game, went to the national aquarium, networked with people from all over the country, and competed. The trip was a positive experience for me. And as anxious as I was leading up to the trip, it wasn’t too bad while there.
Difficult College Roommate
Unfortunately, I did not have a great roommate match, which made for a very tough first semester. We were very different and I feel like we never really got to know each other. I felt a bit like she never really did want to know me or be friends with me. I felt very lonely and isolated during this time. In some ways, I felt invisible and unheard.
My roommate also did not talk to me about any issues she was having with me. I think she just assumed that I was able to pick up on her nonverbal social cues, which I was not. This caused a lot of tension, and I kind of felt like I was walking on eggshells with her.
No Similarities
We also went to bed at very different times. I need my sleep and try to go to bed around 9-9:30pm because I am an early riser. However, she was a night owl and would go to bed usually around midnight or later. Most of the time she would be on FaceTime, and even though she tried to be quiet, it was still pretty disruptive and my quality of sleep was being affected.
Around the beginning of December she ended up switching rooms. There was a quad in my building that had an empty bed and she was already friends with them. However, she didn’t tell me she was moving out until the day she left. In fact, she didn’t really tell me at all. I received a rather mean and aggressive text from her saying that she was switching rooms.
This text really hurt me. I felt neglected, unseen, broken, lonely, angry, sad, and many more negative emotions. This made me feel like it was my fault for how things ended up between us and I felt like I didn’t matter. However, as much as I wanted to, I did not engage with that text. I just let it go and ignored it.
I know roommates tend to lead to a good experience and they help with making connections; however, they are not right for some people. In the end, having a roommate, and a difficult roommate at that, led to a really hard and bad first year of college.
Roommate Switch
In January, someone new moved in. We also didn’t really know each other. She was also in a bad roommate situation and needed to get out. Even though we still didn’t really become great friends, it was a much better match than my first roommate.
For starters, we had much better respect for each other’s boundaries. As well, we both went to bed around the same time. We turned the lights out around 9:15 each night. Throughout the second semester, I slept so much better, and as a result I was less anxious. Even though we never became the best of friends, I was able to get through my second semester with a better mindset.
Thankfully I was able to work with the center for accessibility services and got approved to be in a single. This gave me high hopes for the year ahead. I realized that I need a place to be able to come back to that is all my own where I can rest and recharge after socializing and being engaged.
Hope For a Better College Experience
Living with NLD is exhausting and it is even more exhausting because I have to work harder than most people at picking up nonverbal social cues. I need a place where I can come back to, that I can just be myself. I’m hoping that by being in a single, I will feel better rested to engage with others. I wrote a post all about the basics of NLD and some of the challenges that people with this learning disability face everyday. You can also visit NVLD.org to learn more about NLD and read first-hand stories from people with NLD!
Even though my freshman year did not go as planned, I have not given up on the next three years. I realize that not much can be harder than what I went through during my first semester. This has given me higher hopes for a better college experience. I would love to know your favorite college memories or how you like to get involved with school, so leave me a comment down below! Or, leave me a comment and tell me some of the hard times at school, I would love to get to know you better!